" Even the mud on the soles of your feet carry memories. " - David Alan Bates

The Story

I have begun training at the gym, it's always been a small dream to bulk up a little and I finally threw the wallet on the counter and signed up.

I was going to only kick off with the 'gear' I already had which meant clothing not entirely suited for sports or sporting wear which are years old.

The only apparel I have which is under one year old is the pair of Reebok's I bought to climb Mt. Kinabalu with. It still hasn't been washed and it has streaks of mud on all sides. I don't plan to wash it clean because that little bit of dirt is part of the memories I have of the climb and of my Bao Bao who braved the mountain with me.

After the climb someone commented that it's difficult to find a GF who would climb a mountain for you and so right they were. But we have separated now but I still hold those memories dear.

If you are a fan of Japan GT racing you may know that it is the tradition for some teams to spray a coat of clear paint over their winning car, dirt and all. The grime, dirt and dust of their glorious day would forever be 'one' with their car. Even any damage sustained would not be repaired. Unlike European teams who polish their winning vehicles and lay them out for display in museums and showrooms the Japanese get the true idea of 'preserving' every ounce of 'experience' the car went through by sealing all the dirt in. These car no doubt also go on display, but they appear to have just come off the track.

Back to my shoes, it is an identical pair to what my Bao Bao bought for the climb and I wonder if she has washed her shoes.

It took me 18 hours of non-stop climbing from the base camp to reach the peak and down again. My Bao Bao didn't make it to the top but we struggled down the mountain together and we (along with my dad) were the last to make it. It was already nightfall by the time we arrived and me being injured slowed everybody down. My Bao Bao was with me all the way and we supported each other both physically and mentally from start to finish.

After the climb she told me that she felt that I was the one that she would marry, but 6 months down the road I guess it was not to be.

But as a young boy once said, "we live in hope."

To that boy I give my salute and I would like to add, "and may memories keep us going until then."

" The problem with digging your own grave is that once you're done you're in there by yourself. " - David Alan Bates

The Story

As usual I am in the midst of planning a surprise for Bao Bao even though we broke up just over a month ago. I don't know why I do such things but anyway...

The Time Traveler's Wife has hit the big screens and the novel that inspired the movie means something to both of us. She lost that book to an 'asshole' as she terms it and I bought her a replacement for our 2 months 'anniversary'. It was so long ago, I wish I could remember what I wrote on the inside cover but I can't. It probably was something sweet.

What I had planned to do is to write up a nice quote for her and along with two tickets to the movie and a watch that I bought her a year ago. The watch was accidentally left at a relatives place last Christmas and I only recently collected it. I'm not planning to ask her out for the movie, the tickets are hers to do as she pleases but I want her to go enjoy the movie as I am sure it would be marvelous. My hope is however is that she sees that I still care deeply for her.

But that's the thing you see. Now that we have separated she doesn't seem to feel the need to give my feelings any regard. She speaks to me when she wants to and she doesn't when she doesn't feel like it.

When she came back from Bangkok on Tuesday she was all up and about telling me about her trip. Today all I did was ask her what happened to an event she planned that didn't go well and she told me "can we talk later? I am eating breakfast." Fair enough, but it's now past noon, must be a really big breakfast to still be munching on.

Anyway, how this post relates with the quote is that I really don't feel like giving her the surprise anymore. I don't know if it would be wasted effort or not but I just suddenly feel so unappreciated and crappy. Quite often she does do something that makes me want to un-surprise her and this is one of it.

It's like there is some unknown force out there making spoil her own little 'touches' of happiness. I still think she would be happy with me and that I would make her happy despite or disagreements. It may be pride, but I doubt there are many guys out there who would put as much effort as I do to make my partners happy.

But she doesn't want this relationship back, despite its potential.

I don't want to sound mean but like the quote says, if you sabotage your life, you're on your own. No one is going to go jump in the hole with you, unless... you happened to be called David Alan Bates.

A regular hole-jumper he is.